An Aha Moment About Being "Right"
Have you ever been "right" about something?
Maybe you clearly saw what someone should do in a certain situation or relationship, or maybe you saw something that needed to be seen in an organization. Maybe you noted someone was not living out their faith according to the Bible, or maybe you saw a priority that was being neglected in someone's personal life or family interactions.
Turns out I think we think we are right a LOT. And sometimes we are right, but how we decide what to do with that knowledge is very important.
There are different kinds of "right". One is when something is morally right or wrong or when there is an organizational protocol that is less than what it could be. In these situations, there is either a Biblical mandate being neglected, a lack of educational awareness, or an organizational blind spot. There is a "right" that can be verbalized.
Another kind of "right" is more subtle. It has to do more with the how than the what of a situation. We miss this one way too often...
I don't know about you, but when I see something I think is out of line I have this compulsion that it's on me to do something about it. A lie I have dealt with is, "If I don't do something, no one will, and it will be on me that this was not taken care of." Tony Stolzfus calls this the "See/Say" principle. The truth is just because you see something doesn't mean you are supposed to say something. Most often, building relationship is more important than being right.
This concept comes fairly easily for me in a coaching session. I have learned that if the person being coached is not ready to look at an area of their life that needs to be considered it is their choice and supporting their decision keeps the bridge of relationship open. It also supports forward movement and perhaps the person needs to move forward in whatever they prioritize for reasons I may not see.
And yet...
In casual conversations with family or friends, or in team interactions, this See/Say principle is trickier for me/us to see and that compulsion to be responsible and make things right puts a colored lens over my eyes so I don't see all the things that need to be seen.
Our facts are probably right, and our hearts might even actually be pointed in the right direction, but if we are not very careful, we can come across as a "teller". We can make people feel like we know best what they should do or how things should go and no one wants to hear from someone in that posture - even if they are "right".
In coach training, we talk about the progression of Telling > Teaching > Training > Trusting. This progression only works when we are given one of these roles in someone's life for a season or in a situation.
Instead of just sharing the facts as we see them and letting "the chips fall where they may", it is best to approach what is seen with curiosity and ask questions that could help bring awareness for the other person or understanding for the fact sharer.
All of us have been guilty of being "right" in the wrong way. And perhaps we were not actually right. We may never know because we didn't approach the situation with curiosity and as a result, we burned a bridge, closed the conversation, and probably it would have been best if we had just let whatever it was go.
The truth is that it is on the Holy Spirit to convict people not us. (Jude 15 and John 16:8)
Reframing what "right" really means is probably going to be a lifetime quest for us, but we are up to the challenge – aren’t we? Let’s let the Holy Spirit convict us and learn to listen better to Him and to others.