Which Her Do You See? (Relational perspectives that aren't really helpful.)
Ever heard of the word "infantizing"? If you haven't heard it, I can almost guarantee you have experienced it. It means treating someone like a baby or younger than they actually are.
It happens all the time, and especially in relationships that began with a caregiving aspect where one person is older, more experienced, or educated. Here are some examples.
- Parents have a difficult time allowing their adult children to make adult choices. It can vary anywhere from "Don't you want to wear a coat?" to "Are you sure you want to take out a loan to start that business?" Well-meaning questions that have a sense of "I-know-better" in them.
- Leaders who were there when someone first came to faith. In this relationship, it is more difficult to know when a person is no longer a "baby". These interactions sound like, "Wanna know what I would do if I were you?", or maybe they are not even questions at all - they are tells. "You can't be angry like that anymore," or "You need to forgive."
- Older siblings, upperclassmen, or even just older people in general can find it difficult to allow someone to grow up in their minds. Their perspective keeps the person perpetually young even after they have grown and are no longer a child. In their minds, they think the other person is just stuck in that immature place. And while it is true that some people have a slower maturation rate, treating them as though they can not make quality decisions and need to be told what to do just further inhibits their growth.
- Someone with a degree or expertise in an area may have a "pride chip" on their shoulder and not be able to validate another person's pathway. They may know more, but that does not mean they are the better person to decide for another. If anything, their knowledge can help them ask quality questions, but only if they have paved the way for relational connection and respect.
Let's pause for a minute here and acknowledge that there are plenty of times the other person WANTS to be infantized. They WANT someone to tell them what to do. It takes the weight of deciding off their shoulders and lightens the load, but that doesn't make it right. Telling others what to do, whether you are right or wrong, puts you in the driver's seat. This means the other person is dependent on someone to make their decisions for them. At Bridges Coaching, we use coaching to help make disciples, not dependents.
If I'm honest, I find myself there at times, wanting someone else to decide for me. It's not like the decisions I am making have a right and wrong side to them, but it does feel like there are better and best choices at stake, and I would love a clarifying plan to prioritize my next steps. Each path will require differing amounts of time, energy, and in some cases, even money. If I could KNOW which ones were best without using the trial-and-error method of learning to discern for myself, that would be great. I'd love for someone to tell me what to do. But it turns out I need to make those decisions myself. It's best that I make those choices myself as I have to live with the costs and the consequences, not the other person.
Treating someone like an adult who can lean into how the Holy Spirit is leading them personally is true discipleship. (Read more about what discipleship is not and how coaching can help here.)
Try questions like these to help others and yourself make choices that you will be happy with:
In the end, what are you hoping for?
What is in competition for your focus?
What do you most wish to accomplish?
Is there any research you need to do before you choose?
What is your heart saying?
What is holding you back?
For me, the hardest part is slowing down to hear. I want to work harder and faster, but it is not helpful if I'm not heading in the best direction. Sometimes more isn't more, it's just more - know what I mean? Good coaching helps!!
What's your tendency? Do you want someone to tell you what to do? Are you more likely to jump in too quickly or wait too long? What would it take for you to feel stronger about your decisions?
How about how you interact with others? Anyone you feel more competent to make decisions for than they are for themselves? If so, how could you ask better questions - truly quality questions - that could help them make decisions they feel strong about?
Asking better questions, making disciples not dependents, is what good coaching is all about. Good Coach Training helps!
P.S. The younger gal in the picture is my granddaughter Mia, and the other is her Aunt, my daughter, Meredith. Cool huh?