Ten Tips for Great Mentoring Relationships
As a former Bible college dean, I’ve had many young people ask for mentoring. For clarity’s sake, I learned to ask back what exactly they were looking for in a mentoring relationship.
Here’s some of the answers I received:
- I don’t know what I’m looking for, isn’t that what you are supposed to decide?
- Well, I just know I am supposed to have a mentor, so whatever you think is right is good by me.
- I need someone to tell me how to grow spiritually.
While I applauded their initiative for spiritual growth and there was some value in their ideology, in this paradigm the responsibility for their development was all placed on me. I felt I was supposed to design a pathway for their spiritual growth. They wanted me to discern what their next steps would be. And in some cases, there was a hope that I would use my influence to connect them with a ministry position. Their perspective was one where I would be the leader, the teacher, and the guide and they would come willing to receive.
This put a lot of pressure on me. I felt like I needed a pre-meeting with God for every mentor meeting in order to hear from God for the person I was meeting with. Right around then I had an “Aha” moment. 1 Timothy 2:5 says, “There is one God and one mediator so that human beings can reach God. That way is through Christ Jesus, who is himself human.” I realized I didn’t need to feel the pressure of discerning their spiritual growth plan, I needed to partner with them in their journey. I needed to believe in them and help them to connect with God personally.
In the New Testament, God’s plan is for people to interact directly with him. Leaders can get in the way of other people’s personal connection with God when we allow them to come to us instead of going to him. Of course, we all need each other and shouldn’t just “hermit” ourselves away from the body of Christ, but mentors are not like the priests of the old covenant. True mentors are partners in the journey.
There were other difficulties in the mentoring ask, so I put together some ideas to help both the mentor and the mentee in building a mutually beneficial relationship.
Here are my Top Ten Tips for a great mentoring relationship.
#10 Decide how often you will be meeting.
Some of the mentees expected unlimited access. Clarifying the connection up front pre-empts awkward conversations addressing clingy behavior. (I would suggest b-weekly meetings with time specificity - like an hour.)
#9 Clarify the why.
Make sure the mentee knows they will be the one deciding what the focus of the conversation will be. They need to come up with questions that need clarification or a conflict that needs to be resolved.
#8 Journey together.
There needs to be an understanding that we are all on a personal faith adventure. Both parties need to share personal stories authentically. When the mentor shares they need to understand that the way they got through something is a way (read one-of-the ways) to get through something, not the way.
#7 Beware the “tell”.
Both the mentor and the mentee need to be cautious about “telling”. If the mentee is looking for advice they should ask for the pros and cons the mentor sees or ideas they may have. They can ask how the mentor goes about hearing from God, but they both need to beware of the propensity toward the Old Testament plan where the priest decided what the people were supposed to do. The mentee will learn from whatever decision they make and then the mentee can help them process what happens.
#6 Remember God always offers a plan.
We can all go to him and he promises to be there for us. Mentors should be encouraging personal connection with God first and foremost.
#5 Ask Questions
The mentee should come with questions they have and the mentor should help them find the answers God has for them by asking questions that build the faith of the mentee that they can walk with God.
#4 Celebrate together
Share where God has met you and where you are looking for him to come through for you now.
#3 Pray
Talking together to God is a powerful way for the mentor to model relating to God and for the mentee to grow in confidence.
#2 Be honest with each other
The mentor should feel comfortable sharing concerns or perspectives they see. The mentee should not feel a sense of guilt or a need to comply, but rather show a desire to learn to discern for themselves how God is guiding them.
#1 Have fun
Doing life with someone of another generation can be very fulfilling for both people. God meant for us to be Better Together.
I feel like good mentoring is better than a good movie now that I have a better understanding of what it really is. When I get together with a mentee I am so curious about what has been happening in life and I don’t feel pressure to tell them what to do, we enjoy the journey together!
I thought about putting an asterisk in every time that coach training would help with this process, but then I realized that EVERY SINGLE POINT would get an asterisk. I really can't say enough about the paradigm shift.
How about you? Have you received good mentoring? Have you been coached toward confidence in your relationship with God?